Phototgraph...

This week has been all about photographs, from one thing to the other. I adore photos - capturing a moment in time and cherishing/regretting it forever. They can capture the beauty of anything, if taken correctly. They can hold dear those precious moments, even after you had long forgotten about them. They mean a lot to me, and right behind the hard-drive my music is on, they'd be what I'd save from a burning building.
The week started with my new film camera. The idea makes people laugh a little, the idea of a "new" film camera. But the nostalgia, for me, outweighs the hindrance of the cameras under advanced technology.

My daddy used to have a film camera, although it never had any film in it. It made that old style, satisfactory click whenever you pressed the shutter or wound the film on, and i used to go around with it, taking imaginary pictures, pretending to be a journalist or high end photographer. It was one of my favourite toys.

So, of course, when a customer bought 2 film cameras into work for us to dispose of in some way, i was going to ask to have one. I was ecstatic. I rushed out and bought a new film reel, and my step dad loaded it for me, and promised to teach me how to take decent pictures with it. I was so excited. The other night, following the arrival of my sister, who has come to visit, and whilst the family were sat in the front room chatting away, I took candid shots of everyone in the low light, yellow from aged bulbs. I even took some shots of the dog, and a few of myself using the timer. It was pointed out to me afterwards that my "messing around" shots would probably mostly consist of black pictures, as the lighting was far too low to pick anything up. But I don't care. It's the fun of it I'm  after. I finished the reel, placed it back in it's old film case, (which i remember my primary school using to store each students lunch money in) and marked it, leaving it on the mantelpiece. I haven't taken it to the developers yet. I don't have enough money to, but I'm itching to get them developed. The first ever proper film photographs I've taken.

As my sister has a touch of OCD, we had to make sure the house was relatively neat and tidy for her arrival. This meant throwing out many books, which even as someone who doesn't read an awful lot, that hurt. But none the less, it also meant that my mother found lots and lots of old photographs, so whilst i spent the night slaving away tidying my room (which my sister wasn't going to see anyway), my mother spent her evening, unbeknownst to me, organising photo's of the family. I found these afterwards, and started flicking through.I've said I love photo's because they hold memories, and this was particularly true for these. I found baby photos, pictures from when i used to visit my mother in Dorset, and then, someone stumbled upon one I hadn't seen when I was looking through. A photo I remembered from years ago.

The picture is of baby me, sat on my fathers lap, and he's smiling down at me. My father looks so young and happy. I look so fat and happy. It nearly reduced me to tears, but I didn't want to cry in front of my mum. And so, I look at this picture, which holds the happiest memories I have of a man who's caused me so much pain. And that's why I adore photos; because for just one moment, every time I look at that picture, I can imagine that nothing bad ever happened, and I'm right back there.... and then it's gone again, replaced by harsh reality. That's one of the downsides to photos.The sensation doesn't last long.

The other reason I love photo's of me as a kid, is because I can look at 11/12 year old me, and see the prettiness that was there... the lovely smooth pale skin, and the gorgeous long hair - I've ruined quite a lot about how I look, and in the end, I can never really justify why, because I don't really know. Sometimes, it was just because I had the freedom to, other times, I was trying to be something I wasn't for someone else - there's all sorts of reasons, none of them really good. But I'd kill to be that kid again, the one who has no issue standing up in front of a room full of people and singing, the one who can roll out of bed, throw any old thing, tug a brush through their hair and go out. I'd adore to have that sense of self-worth and confidence again, but with every unfortunate/bad experience I've had, every bullying remark and every snide snipe at my image I've had, that's just evaporated bit by bit. And there comes my next problem with photo's. 


People, in the past and present, have remarked that I'm pretty. And although i don't see it in myself, I'm happy that they do. But I struggle with photo's of myself now. I find I love people taking pictures of me, but I hate looking at them; Pictures have to be posed and well made, otherwise I cringe. I usually cringe inwardly when I see any modern picture of myself, but I deal with it, in my own special way. I don't know why I struggle so much, I just wish I could look at myself and think "you know what, you look okay" but it never comes. People have suggested I do modelling, and the only time I ever took it seriously, someone laughed in my face, so that went straight out the window. Photo's of me, throw everything I hate about me, right back at me. I hate that fact about photo's. 

But then, I love photographing other people, holding their individual beauty in time forever. Holding the great times I've had with them in time forever. It's something I really enjoy. I just wish I was better at it, and that's what I'm hoping to learn. And the desire to learn, and this whole monologue, started with the nostalgic memory, of that little Pentax film camera. 
So fingers crossed.....