Gut Fellings and Snap Decsions....

That gut feeling you get is difficult. And where the difficulty lies is in trusting it. Because so often, you jump to quickly, aim to fast for what you believe you, and what you think you need, that sometimes, you fail to see the truth that hides in the corners of your mind.

Hidden away behind your oversights and mistakes, behind all the compliments you brush of and all the insults you receive. All the things done wrong to you, and the things you’ve done wrong. All the people you’ve hurt and rejected, and all those whom have hurt and rejected you – behind all the heartbreak, somewhere, lies what you truly want. But they hide so well, camouflage themselves so well, that you don’t truly believe they’re there at all.

So you throw yourself at the mercy of all those whom seem to want you – all those whom might take interest, who make a sly comment, or give you a compliment. And you don’t shield yourself; you don’t protect yourself, and you don’t protect them.... not even those who take you with good intentions. You listen to the gossips – the snipes and japes at who you are and whom you are with, and you end up being broken again, or worse.... breaking another heart. Because it was never your intention; you perhaps, honestly believed it may work, or perhaps you were so fed up of being alone, of not being appreciated or sought by what you truly want, that you resign yourself.

Or perhaps, just perhaps, you inflict it upon yourself. Perhaps, in your head, you call yourself worthless, and you put yourself down, and you seek innocence, purity, fun and vulnerability to destroy. Perhaps that is all that you feel capable of.

Maybe, you uncovered that person, waiting in the corner of your life, hiding in the masquerade of friendship and alias, and bound by your misunderstandings. Maybe you finally found them, and maybe, just maybe, like every other mistake you’ve ever made, you threw yourself at their mercy.... and they didn’t catch you either.

Perhaps they pretended to be friendly – perhaps they were plain and open about how they loathed you – perhaps you were too late – or perhaps there was always someone else. ...

And so you crumble, or you endure – there is little beyond that, and the results are much the same. Those who crumble will do as I have mentioned, and seek more people, as a replacement for the “true happiness” they think they have lost. They may turn, as I said, deliberately (perhaps unconsciously) to spoiling innocence and taking advantage of vulnerability. Those who crumble, have given in to the idea, that their ‘happiness’ is a singular entity – a single person, whom once lost, may never be recovered or properly replaced.

However, those who endure, see hope. They will hold on, and wait their time. They will keep holding on to the very thing that represents their happiness, and they will fight for it with all their might. They not give in on their mission – they may receive side missions, which bide their time, and seek to ensure them of their true wish.

Sometimes, those who endure may wait a very long time. They may find something new – a new happiness; a new object of happiness, a new goal to aim for. But it will become, very hard for them to ever forget, their original ‘true’ happiness. I believe they will always reserve part of their heart for that person. They will always, give anything for that person. And why not – so long as you endure, no harm is done....

Hugs Not Drugs....

There was a situation recently, where upon leaving work, I was following a relatively older- and therefore some would say, more experienced – gentleman (debatable) up through the yard where I worked. I noticed, quite plainly as one might, that he was smoking a Cigarette, one of the crude handmade fashion. And, a few steps later, I noticed the seemingly impenetrable aura of cannabis scent that surrounded this particular guy.

Now I wont pretend to not know what it smells like, and I wont pretend to not understand – but what I simply do not understand is how you wander around the streets of your hometown, smoking that, and emitting a cloud strong enough to waste a horse, when you know damn well it’s really quite Illegal! If you walked past a policeman, or he happened to bump into you, he’d have you in a minute.  I get the same issue when I walk through a particular section of a council estate in Gillingham, there is a certain scent of “giggle weed” in the air, always around a house, and that house very particularly.... now, If a officer of the law strolled by, and noticed that, their suspicion would easily lead them to take action on your house. Once again, the same issue occurs on Facebook regularly – now I’ll admit, I have friends who smoke weed. Good for them, I couldn’t care less, so long as you don’t ram it down my throat I don’t give a crap. But if you choose to share shit tonnes of pictures, and update you’re status in such a way that obviously tells people you take drugs, or smoke weed –WHAT THE HELL!? That is to fundamentally ignore the fact that everything, you post, share and write is monitored - I mean, I’ve posted things that I regret, but nothing that clearly admits that I regularly partake in something that’s illegal – that’s stupid! Police could find that at anytime – it’s very easy to report that kind of idiocy! And you won’t be giggling when they do. 

It’s not cool, it’s not big, and it’s not clever. 

Take drugs, that’s fine, whatever floats your boat – just don’t broadcast it. Despite all you hope for, it’s not legal yet...

The next part of my blogging rant is still about drugs, but more about their production and consumption on a practical level. 

The other day, when the sun was shining and the yard was bathed in a nice relaxed atmosphere, the conversation with two friends of mine turned to Breaking Bad. Now I don’t watch Breaking Bad, but given the inevitable stream of information that comes your way on the Internet these days, I know pretty much what it’s about. I also know that Meth (the subject of the show) is highly addictive and can mess people up – a lot. And so, one of my friends stated that they would much prefer to make less money, and produce a drug that made people much happier during use, and didn’t hurt or ‘mess up’ the user at all. We went through the pros and cons of all different drugs, and it was an interesting conversation. 

Later on, on my journey home, I was thinking about just how much I hate people who make drugs that they know are going to fuck people up. Marijuana is a perfectly nice, relaxed, safe drug – yeah sure, there are risks, but there are risks with everything, so deal with it – But there are things like Crack, Cocaine and Heroin, that just fuck people up, and people make things – they mix and create new drugs, in an attempt to get a bigger high or a better trip, but ultimately, people just get hurt. You should create and sell something that means people will enjoy themselves, not spend the evening passed out and drowning in a pool of your own vomit – that’s not the point of drugs.

And then there’s addiction - i don’t know what it’s like to be addicted to something (except possibly potatoes), but i understand okay – I understand it’s a struggle.

There are people in the world who have very serious problems – emotional trauma, psychological issues and other such difficulties. Some of these people, inevitably, will seek out a way to numb and control the pain and anger they feel because of these problems – some of these people, will turn to drugs, in an attempt to block out their world, escape to a new one, or simply qualm their nerves - but these people will become addicted, instead of the drug simply being their coping mechanism (which is a dangerous place to be anyway) it becomes how they live – it becomes how they function. It becomes the reason they wake up in the morning and get out of bed, and it becomes the only reason they are alive. But are they even alive, or are they simply existing?

You see, the purpose of life, in my view, is to enjoy yourself, and make the most of it, which is why I accept the use of recreational drugs – even if it isn’t my thing, I still want to people to enjoy themselves, and if drugs do that for you, then that’s fine by me. But when these drugs, even by name, are not medicinal in the psychological/mental side of things – there is debate about their physical medicinal value – they should not be used in such a way, because they simply become a new problem that you have to try and solve, on top of the problem you were trying to solve with the drugs in the first place. That goes against the entire point of drugs – drugs are to be enjoyed, they are to be enjoyed because they are different – they are a difference in routine, a change in how you usually work, feel and experience things. However, if you being to take drugs constantly and they simply become the routine, you lose that effect, and you lose what is special about them. And then, you lose the entire point – so why bother?

You will only create hassle for yourself...