A letter to my future daughter....

My daring little girl (for that is what you will always be). There are some home truths that I felt it best to tell you. Some little bits of advice, that I wanted to share with you.

Fandoms are the best places in the world to get caught in. Never worry that you read too much, or seem too obsessed. It's okay to be a fan girl, and there will be so many of your fellow kind out there, to support you when things go wrong, or even sometimes, oh so right in your fandom. You are all of one, they will become a part of your family. It's okay to immerse yourself in fiction; fill your head with as many pages, words, stories and worlds as possible - for the imagination is one of the greatest human tools.

Never let anyone ruin your imagination, or try to ground you, or bind you with their "realities". There is no limit to what you can achieve if you can imagine it, go for it. Your imagination, and what you can do with it, is the best escape from the harsh reality and difficulties of the world around you. The world is your oyster, and never let anyone stop you. You can be anything you want, if you try hard enough. Don't dream it, be it!

However, there will be times when they set you back, and hold you from your goal, but your family will be here to help you up again, dust you off and push you in the right direction. Never underestimate the power and importance of your family. You'll always want your independence, and that's okay (no matter what I say), but you can always come home; there will always be a shoulder to cry on and a cup of tea waiting for you. Mum and Dad are always here for you, and it's okay to come running home. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Always, always (!) wear sun cream. I never believed them when I was young either - but really, sunburn hurts, and can play havoc with your skin. You could be lucky, but you might not, and then your health will pay for it later in life. You don't want to ruin that beautiful skin, and look old before your time. Believe me.

Maths is difficult - really difficult. If it seems easy, you're most likely doing it wrong. Always go to Daddy for help with maths problems, for I truly have no idea what the hell is going on - and I'll always have a calculator for you somewhere.

Red lipstick is tricky, stubborn, and rarely worth the effort. All your clothes, possessions, friends and family will somehow end up with stains all over them, and they will not be impressed at all.

You never need as much make-up as you think you do. You are so naturally beautiful, don't spoil it with piles of slap. I didn't listen to well meaning friends and family who said the same when I was younger, and looked very stupid for a long time, until I sorted my look out. Men/women (whatever you like - you know I don't mind at all), do not like tonnes of fake tan or heavy eye make-up. You want them to be able to recognise you for the natural beauty you are when all that synthetic stuff is gone. Always use make-up to highlight the real you, rather than mask her completely.

Some girls around you will try and dedicate their lives to making you feel rubbish about yourself. Don't give them the time of day, don't let them get to you, and don't react (unless you have something clever and witty up your sleeve). And please make sure you point these girls out to mummy and daddy, so we can put them in their places - the same goes for those stupid boys! I'll teach them a thing or two if they ever make you cry.

It is okay to cry. It is not a sign of weakness, nor of giving up. Sometimes what you really need is a good cry. Sometimes you'll just feel like going home, crawling up in a ball and crying your guts out. That's okay, because sometimes, you'll feel so much better for it. It's a huge relief. And I'm always here for you to lean on if you need me. I might need you sometimes too. You shouldn't cry for those who don't deserve it though. Those who don't deserve your sorrow and hurt - people who you just don't give another thought to, just walk away. Sometimes, sitting there and crying over them, isn't going to make it any better, and that's when you shouldn't bother.

Worrying about things is utterly pointless. No one ever solved a problem by worrying about it. It's better to take action for something, to try your hardest at it, because in the end, that's all you can do - your utmost best, and no one can ask for more from you. The little silly things you do - the bad joke you made in front of that boy/girl you liked, the wrong conversation you bought up, the wrong dress or shade of eyeshadow you wore at that party - there's no point in worrying about that either, so you may as well just let them go, put them down to experience and forget all about it. No amount of worrying about it is going to change it sweetie.

Algebra sucks, and is utterly pointless most the time, but I'm afraid you'll just have to brave it. At times, there may be things Mum and Dad can do about P.E, but you're stuck with algebra. Sorry.

Ice-cream is amazing. For all situations; celebratory and problematic. End of story.

Cheese-cake is also good.

Booze, however, is not - it's also not that cool. It'll make you do stupid things, feel and smell awful and can really mess your insides up. It's okay in moderation; and also when I know where you are, who you are with and what you're doing. You must be the right age, or there will be trouble. Trust me.

Take good care of your teeth, and your eyes. They are valuable assets, and you only really get one proper set. You can enjoy your favourite treats much longer, if you take care of your teeth. Missing teeth is not a very attractive trait.

Boys/girls will come and go; family, and most friends, will remain. Boys/girls (delete as applicable if you wish), will sometimes try and hurt you on purpose; they will lie, deceive, manipulate, physically and psychologically abuse you to try and get what they want. You do not have to stay with these people. You can do so, so much better - believe me - you do not have to waste a second with them. Just leave, and Daddy and I will make them stay away.

There will be many heartbreaks and faulty relationships before you find someone you really, truly love. It will take a long time, and you have to try and be patient, please. (I definitely didn't listen to that). There will be many times that you'll think you're in love, and you'll be insistent to me that you couldn't see yourself with anyone else (and it'll wind me up no end). But I will keep calm for you, and ride through all your difficulties with you, because I know what it's like to be there. I was young once. When you find the one for you, you will definitely know. Believe me.

White shorts are usually a terrible Idea. As are white shoes.... and most white clothing in fact.

Never be afraid to ask me for something. There will be times where I cant get you something right away, or when something you want really isn't practical - but I will always try to find a way to help you.

Be kind, caring and loving, and you will glow, and people will flock around you because of it. People will be drawn to you if you radiate happiness. Don't let them take advantage of it though - you must know when to draw a line in your generosity and caring, and tell people to leave. Don't let them leach of you and steal your energy - that's when to make distance.

Never measure your success in money; measure it in what you love most, whatever that may be, even if people don't understand.

Your brain and your heart will always disagree, and no-one really knows whats going on in their gut - you will usually end up following one of the latter, and the brain will always be there to say "I informed you thusly!".

For some people, whatever you do will never be enough. Don't give a toss about them. I will be proud of you whatever you do, even if I don't understand or approve - and so long as you are happy, then that's all that matters.

Be creative in whatever way you can. Everyone has a spark of creativity in them, they just have to find it. It took me a very long time to find mine, and I'm still searching. Just look at your dad though - he breathes creativity. Be like that.

Music is an amazing thing; a truly inspiring, brilliant, fantastic, outstanding, magical thing. It is a fabulous combination of imagination and creativity. There is music for every emotion, and a song for every situation. Old music is amazing, despite what you may think. Listening to good music can make you forget all your worries, even if only for a short while.

Dancing is brilliant; never be afraid to dance. No mater how silly you think you look, there is usually someone who looks sillier than you (it will usually be me). And even if you do look silly, those who mind, you need not care about, and those you care about, shouldn't mind.

Sneaking out is not cool. You could get hurt or in trouble, and we wouldn't know where you are, and that would terrify your Dad and I. Please always ask, because although there will be times where we might still be worried, we will find a way, that means you can have fun and be safe. I'll usually be okay with you going out, believe me, so long as I'm fully aware of whats happening. Honestly, just try me!

There will be times where you and I argue with each other, of course there will. There will be times where I'll be stressed, tired, worried or upset, and I might need your support. But please understand, that if ever a day goes by, where I don't tell you I love you, you must know that I always will. No matter what.

Oh, and please don't chop off, dye or in any other way, ruin that lovely hair - take it from my personal experience on that.

And before you get all stubborn and smart-arse on me and say "what do you know, you're a grown up, you're old! Of course you don't want me to have fun!".... I wrote this when I was 16, I know what I'm talking about (some of the times). Okay?

P.S. Guys are knob heads. Full stop.

Cause I don’t Bite my lip or bat my eyes....

When you walk by, you walk by.

Following a humorous section of “disruptive” conversation with a fellow blogger of mine, I’ve been thinking about the ways in which males and females attempt to woo one another. It appears there are many weird and wonderful ways that singletons attempt to make people believe that they want to spend the rest of their lives (or at least the rest of the night) with themselves, cavorting in whatever way they seem fit.

This blogger friend of mine has a very individualised way of attempting to woo a lady (or, in more effective ways, a gentleman). It works on the law of infinite probability, meaning that if you continue to use it indefinitely, it is bound to work one day. I suppose this is true for any given technique within context, and I love the thinking behind. It his incredibly comic stunt/pulling technique he would use (if he were brave enough I feel, or possibly excessively inebriated). I won’t tell you what it is, for fear of embarrassing the poor soul, but you’d probably love it if I did, or it would at least raise a humorous chuckle.  

Anyway, this conversation floated back to me later that evening, and raised a smile, and then got me thinking.

I am one of the ilk that are very fond of one liners and cheesy pick up lines used by willing men in pubs and bars across the nation. However, I feel there aren’t many of my kind left anymore; Most of the girls I know say that they would run a mile from any man who dared use this “old school” technique. My sister simply stated that she would ask the gentleman to buy her and her friend a drink, and walk away, which I thought was a hideous concept, one that I would never employ.

See, I adore one-liners, cheesy chat up lines, and downright insane pulling techniques (like my blogging friends). If someone had the courage to use those sorts of things, I’d give them the time of day the rightfully deserve. I have a rule of thumb when it comes to this sort of exercise; If a man can make me laugh (or indeed will dance with me if the situation allows) he’s usually got a good headway. I will stay and talk to him, and he’s definitely got a look in. I love it! I love someone having that courage, and actually doing it.

But there in lies the issue; the type of gentlemen I like (Nerdy boys who love music and also happen to be brave enough to approach me with cheesy one liners) don’t appear to exist, or if they do at all, they are in no way shape or form interested in me at all, which is depressing to say the least. I do so wish that men had the balls (ironically) to do that sort of thing.

I am, however, being a tad hypocritical. I do not possess or put to use, any predominant way of chatting up boys, or seducing them in any such way. It’s incredibly difficult, being me, to stand around in a room full of people, including young men and women, and attempt to find someone to take interest in. The main reason for this, is that compared to some of the other females in the room usually, whom spend much of their time plucking and pruning, straightening and getting their breasts out, with which I cannot really compete. But also, a large proportion of this competition, have some form of flirting ability. I have none; that sort of ability comes with measurable outward confidence (or at least the fake version of it!), and also good looks usually helps. See, the issue is that I’m not one to bite my lip or bat my eyelashes when I see a guy I like. I just sort of, use wishful thinking, to try and will him to notice me. This is probably why I’m so in awe of men who can use they’re humour and fun nature, to try and grab the attention and affections of someone. It sort of amazes me really.

So, just a little hint to all the men out there; even if you’re a bit shy, and a little bit worried about trying to get a girls attention, just go for, use a cheesy one, a really bad one, one that’ll make her laugh – because in the end, she’s a complete stranger usually, so what have you got to loose really? You never have to see her again if you don’t want to, and if she doesn’t find it funny, or uses your bravery to score a drink, she’s not worth it.

I’ll leave you with my favourite chat up line, one that a friend and I found in a book full of them, and we had great fun with. We had to edit it to make sense to me.

“Do you have any Cornish in you? Would you like some?”

Or, even better,

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

Or apparently, my new personal favourite, a llama impression is always good :)

Thanks for reading 

You know I've got an awful lot of big dreams....

Trouble with dreams is you never know, 

When to hold on and when to let go, 

Trouble with dreams is you can't pretend, 

Something with no beginning, has an end....

Theres a question a friend of mine keeps asking me. It's a joke, I know it is, and I take it in that context every time. I say the same thing a lot myself.  

What is wrong with you?  

It's such a simple question really. Not said with any malicious intent. And yet I've been thinking about it a lot recently. And then I thought about something else. I thought about the two new recurring dreams I've been having. 

They came out of nowhere; I'd never had them before, and the night before I had them, I was feeling quite happy, rather positive about it all, and then they bought me right back down again. 

The first one has me a little confused; I can't quite suss the meaning of it... 

I am walking up Shaftesbury high street, and I'm arguing with someone. In the weird back story type thing you know in dreams, I know that he's my partner, and that's all. I don't have a name, I don't have any other info. I don't have a face even. I don't remember a face from the dream. I only know he's with me. He's so angry, and I don't even know what about. I'm trying my best to calm him down. My arms are full of paperwork, and I'm carrying a cup of coffee in my free hand, and occasionally spilling some on my hand. I can actually feel the burning of the coffee, and my rising panic, which makes it feel all so real. 

After a minute of me trying to calm him down, he turns and grabs the tops of my arms. He shakes me viciously, and the coffee spills all over my chest, scalding me. Now I can really feel the burn, the great pain, and it all feels so real, which is what has me so frightened. I cry out in pain and panic, and none of the public turn and try to help me. They don't even look at us. The stream of people part around us like a rock in a river, and still he keeps yelling. 

He notices I'm not listening, and that flames the anger. He pulls back his fist. It all happens so slowly, and yet so fast, all in one. He strikes me hard across the side of my face, and I fall, and smash my head to the side of me. He stands there and stares at me, but he shows absolutely no remorse whatsoever.

I realise then, I am looking down at myself and him like a spectator. I am outside of my own body, but I still feel the pain; of the burn, and of the punch. Still no one turns, no one tries to help. They just leave me there. 

I watch for a long time. I watch my body, crumpled ingloriously on the pavement; I watch it rot away, and leave the bones behind.... 

And then I wake up, there are tears over my face, and I can still feel a dull burning sensation. It's disconcerting, to say the least, and I just cant make sense of it whatsoever. 


The other dream is much more frightening. It happens several times a night, and lasts on average between one and two hours. It's the exact same every time. I'll fall asleep, have the dream, and wake up crying, again, only to calm down, fall asleep, and repeat the pattern. 

I am standing on a hill, in gale force wind and thrashing rain. I am cold, very cold, and it's nigh time; pitch black all around, with no stars, and only the occasional lightening strike to see by. Again, through some kind of back story, I am aware that I'm waiting for someone, and I know who they are, but can't bring a name or face to mind. It's all of this knowledge and sensation, that again makes the dream feel so real.

And oh so suddenly, He's there (the person that I'm waiting for.) Theres a pull, a very strong pull, and I've no idea why. I feel his presence before I see him, and then, in a silent flash of lightening (presumably somehow drowned out by the rain), he's there in front of me. I try to say something, but no sound emerges. Another flash; He shakes his head wordlessly. And then he grabs my hand, and begins to pull me with him. 

He starts of walking, but soon speeds up to a run. He drags me all the way, pulling so hard my arm aches. All the time the wind and rain lash out against my face and hair. He picks up pace, faster. I cant keep up, I begin to trip up. I try to call out for him to slow down, but he doesn't hear, because I make no sound at all.  

I fall more often, and he just drags me on my front or knees, through mud and puddles, thistle and weeds. I can't see where we are going, and I don't know where we are anyway. I keep trying to plead and beg, to kick and scream, but still no sound comes forth.

Soon things begin to snag at my heels and calves. The sting and scratch, and I cant place what they are. They increase ferocity, scratching my hips and stomach, and creeping up between my shoulders. He doesn't slow, he simply drags me through them, which makes them cut into my flesh, and coat the new wounds in mud and puddle water. 

They soon begin to slow me down though, reaching up around my neck, and my silent pleas continue to silently spew out, but this time, he turns and stops. 

Elation takes over; pure joy, love and adoration is the place of terror. 

But he just lets go. His face un-illuminated by the persistent lightening. He rips my hand from his and drops me. The things take advantage, holding my down; they cover each limb, and pin me down, crossing over my vision, but not enough to make their forms clear to me. They dig in and drag me down into the earth, and all the time, he stares down at me, silently shaking with laughter, and staring straight into my eyes. 

It's the greatest pain, an empty void pushing at the edges of my chest, making it ache.

I stop struggling. I know there is no point anymore. And everything in my vision, including his mocking figure, is turned to black. There is some relief in that. And that's when I wake up again, tears streaming once more. 

And so, you can see why I find it difficult to sleep at night. When I nap during the day, they don't come to me, only shadows of fears I have drift across my vision then. But at night, alone in the dark, that's when they manifest, revealing everything I hate in my mind, with no way of stopping them.... 

 A bit dark, I know, and for that I apologise. But if anyone has any suggestions or helpful comments, please feel free to let me know. 

Thanks for taking the time to read - sorry it's a little fucked up :/