Dancing.
It's not something I consider myself very good at. Not ever. But it has surrounded me always, in one way or another.
I never remember dancing much. Occasionally I would, as I was part of a performance group for the purpose of gymnastics practise, and maybe dancing around the living room with my dad from time to time. It's not something I was really interested.
Which I find... odd. Because I adore music, it fills every aspect of me, so I personally would assume I'd love to dance a lot, which I sort of do, maybe; the whole thing is clouded with uncertainty.
Anyway- I remember my fathers dancing; the usual embarrassing and uncoordinated dad dancing that seems to flow from most fathers across the world, and humiliates numerous children. I considered ultimately ridiculous, but occasionally, I work some into my routines.
When I moved to Dorset, I remember my mother, dancing every Friday to the live music put on at the pub where we lived and worked. She loved it. She still does, and she expressed herself so freely, so easily, without reservation, without seeming to care what others thought. I loved that, and I loved watching her. I loved to watch people dance in general.
On occasion, to good music, with the right band, and right, correctly intoxified crowd, 12-14 year old me could be pulled up to dance, with much coaxing. I danced with my mother, or older friends. I would dread it most the evening, but i would enjoy it fiercely when I did get up, and then be embarrassed and regret the event afterwards.
In some respects, I suppose it's the idea of people watching and judging me, the idea of people paying attentionn to my actions whatsoever, the deep sated fear, that my dancing isn't "right" or "appropriate". I still worry about it to this day. I suspect it's these fears that would hold me back. I'm not certain.
Recently however, I've sort of... stopped caring.
The revelation was the result of a festival - a beer festival, which I attended this summer. In the presence of some of my friends - old and young - I realised they wanted to dance, but seemed to embarrassed in this new environment. I'd grown up in this pub, so I was comfortable here, so I decided to make a fool of myself, in order to allow them to feel less silly.
And I loved it!
It was strange - I had the best time, the most amazing time. I danced all night, until my muscles ached and I was completely soaked, but it was freaking amazing. I just let go, released my inhibitions, and it worked.
A few months down the line, my family and I return to the same pub, to see a band that we all loved and listened to regularly. I loved their music, and I have a small confession to make.
I do dance alone, in my room, in front of my mirror. I have been caught, with my headphones in, oblivious to the person who's been knocking at the door for a while and has decided to peek in in case I'm dead, and it embarrasses me very much. But the music I like to dance to most, is the music of the band we went to see - so I was used to being able to dance around to it, it would have been weird to just sit there and listen.
So, as unusual as it was, right from the beginning of the night, I was up and dancing with my mum. I was pulling her up to dance, asking her to dance. For years, my mum had been trying to make me dance, telling me not to worry, and here I was dragging her up. I was the last one left dancing as well, my mother long since sat down to rest. I used to have to hold her hand throughout the dance, at all times, and here I was, doing it all on my own! I was so happy, and so proud of myself. And I turned to look at my mother.
She was watching me as I danced, twirling, whirling and jumping. And she was grinning, watching intently. For a horrible moment, I thought I was doing something wrong, and then she raised her glass, and toasted me, and I swelled with joy.
I had out danced my mother, I had danced much longer, and I had gotten her look of pride. This may not seem huge to you, but it was massive to me.
And now, I love to dance. I really adore dancing where I can. I still have reservations though. I can dance among an audience of predominantly older people, after years of practise. I cant in front of a group of people my own age, there's too much judgement at risk there. People my own age scare the hell out of me.
But dancing is a cathartic form of expression. A chance to express things you cant otherwise, to physically let out stored energy.
I recommend it highly; however, there are people who are not naturally dancers, I have two suggestions that may help...
1) Dance in front of your mirror, for several years, alone, until you're fairly confident that your performance is fit for public consumption.... or
2) just fucking let go! try to stop caring about what those around you think, because those that give a damn, don't matter, and those that matter, don't give a damn!
P.S. If ever there is any questions that you want me to answer, or any subjects you want me to talk about, please feel free to comment, e-mail or message them to me in whatever way you like.
Thanks :)
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
10 things you might not know about me...
Recently, I was challenged to post 10 things people might not know about me on facebook. However, I felt some of these things needed some longer explanation than was acceptable in a facebook post, so I decided to write a blog about it, and share that instead.
So here goes. 10 things...
1) I grew up in Newlyn, right in the tip of Cornwall. I was born and raised for the first part of my life there, and very strongly consider myself Cornish, where I count both my parents as pretenders (they're not Cornish at all). I miss Cornwall a lot. A LOT!
2) I spent a large portion of my childhood living on Gwavas estate, situated atop a rather large hill in Newlyn. Gwavas is possibly one of the worst council estates in the county of Cornwall. During my time living there, I was egged personally four times, my mother was egged once, my auntie who lived across the road had her house egged (all of these occurred on separate Halloweens). In addition, I had a concrete hedgehog thrown through bedroom window, a rock thrown through my living room window (which left a rather nasty cut on my leg), I witnessed one stabbing, saw the bush shelter rearranged around 9 times, and witnessed no less than 26 window smahings. I actually loved the place, strange though it seems. However, Gwavas was situated in a very popular touristy fishing village, and was once described as "Hell in heaven" by a national newspaper.
3) I have a total of six brothers and sisters (all half), only two of whom I've ever met so far. I do however, count the two I've met as full family, because that's what they are. In addition, upon leaving Cornwall 5 years ago, I had a known total of 18 cousins, the number of which has undeniably risen in the time I've been away. My father was one of 12 children, having seven brothers and four sisters. I come from a very big family background, and I love it.
4) My grandmother, as I recall, had close to 10 dogs in her household (possibly more), of which a large proportion were unruly German Shepard's (which I am slightly terrified of to this day).
5) My first word was bugger. The first word I ever said to my brother was dickhead (sorry!), and my first ever complete sentence was "my leg is wet!" You can see where I get my continued eloquence from.
6) I am ever so slightly terrified of spiders, of the house and garden and poisonous variety. But for some inexplicable reason, I really like tarantulas; theres just something so beautiful and elegant about them (except in eight legged freaks). I am also a huge fan of snakes and lizards, especially geckos.
7) When I was younger, I wanted to be a palaeontologist (after watching 'Jurassic Park'). I also wanted to be a vet, a politician (I know, I know!), a scientist, a reporter, a photographer, a musician/singer and a teacher. Since then I have also wanted to be a geologist, a model (*scoff!*), a data entry clerk, a game designer, a games tester, a teacher again, a personal assistant and wanted to run my own business. I struggle to make up my mind, and I'm still not completely sure about it.
8) I am a teeny weeny bit baby mad... I used to want a lot of children.... I used to want 12 in fact. Over the years, I calmed down a little, to wanting 6 kids. These days, I'd stretch to about 4 children.
9) Since the age of 10, throughout my romantic life (I know - it's disgraceful!) I've had 17 boyfriends. The longest of these relationships lasting nearly 6 months, the shortest around 24 hours (that's also shameful to admit, and I really loved that guy!) I have also dated one of these guys seven separate times (it's just keeps getting worse). Truth is, I have a habit of trying to fix relationships that are bad for me.
10) I am scared of public toilets. I try to avoid using them if possible. At work, school, pubs, restaurants, anywhere; the more possible users, the worse it gets. It's the same with the toilets in someone elses house. It's not germs or anything like that. I just hate the idea of people possibly being able to hear me pee!
So yeah....
I am fully aware I'm a weirdo :P
So here goes. 10 things...
1) I grew up in Newlyn, right in the tip of Cornwall. I was born and raised for the first part of my life there, and very strongly consider myself Cornish, where I count both my parents as pretenders (they're not Cornish at all). I miss Cornwall a lot. A LOT!
2) I spent a large portion of my childhood living on Gwavas estate, situated atop a rather large hill in Newlyn. Gwavas is possibly one of the worst council estates in the county of Cornwall. During my time living there, I was egged personally four times, my mother was egged once, my auntie who lived across the road had her house egged (all of these occurred on separate Halloweens). In addition, I had a concrete hedgehog thrown through bedroom window, a rock thrown through my living room window (which left a rather nasty cut on my leg), I witnessed one stabbing, saw the bush shelter rearranged around 9 times, and witnessed no less than 26 window smahings. I actually loved the place, strange though it seems. However, Gwavas was situated in a very popular touristy fishing village, and was once described as "Hell in heaven" by a national newspaper.
3) I have a total of six brothers and sisters (all half), only two of whom I've ever met so far. I do however, count the two I've met as full family, because that's what they are. In addition, upon leaving Cornwall 5 years ago, I had a known total of 18 cousins, the number of which has undeniably risen in the time I've been away. My father was one of 12 children, having seven brothers and four sisters. I come from a very big family background, and I love it.
4) My grandmother, as I recall, had close to 10 dogs in her household (possibly more), of which a large proportion were unruly German Shepard's (which I am slightly terrified of to this day).
5) My first word was bugger. The first word I ever said to my brother was dickhead (sorry!), and my first ever complete sentence was "my leg is wet!" You can see where I get my continued eloquence from.
6) I am ever so slightly terrified of spiders, of the house and garden and poisonous variety. But for some inexplicable reason, I really like tarantulas; theres just something so beautiful and elegant about them (except in eight legged freaks). I am also a huge fan of snakes and lizards, especially geckos.
7) When I was younger, I wanted to be a palaeontologist (after watching 'Jurassic Park'). I also wanted to be a vet, a politician (I know, I know!), a scientist, a reporter, a photographer, a musician/singer and a teacher. Since then I have also wanted to be a geologist, a model (*scoff!*), a data entry clerk, a game designer, a games tester, a teacher again, a personal assistant and wanted to run my own business. I struggle to make up my mind, and I'm still not completely sure about it.
8) I am a teeny weeny bit baby mad... I used to want a lot of children.... I used to want 12 in fact. Over the years, I calmed down a little, to wanting 6 kids. These days, I'd stretch to about 4 children.
9) Since the age of 10, throughout my romantic life (I know - it's disgraceful!) I've had 17 boyfriends. The longest of these relationships lasting nearly 6 months, the shortest around 24 hours (that's also shameful to admit, and I really loved that guy!) I have also dated one of these guys seven separate times (it's just keeps getting worse). Truth is, I have a habit of trying to fix relationships that are bad for me.
10) I am scared of public toilets. I try to avoid using them if possible. At work, school, pubs, restaurants, anywhere; the more possible users, the worse it gets. It's the same with the toilets in someone elses house. It's not germs or anything like that. I just hate the idea of people possibly being able to hear me pee!
So yeah....
I am fully aware I'm a weirdo :P
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
Does Not Compute...
Technology, computers namely, controls everything we do, and I for one, really wish they didn't. I don't like the idea of computers controlling me, but i'm fully aware that they do, and I give in every time, of course.
I was thinking about my love/hate relationship with computers yesterday, as I watched the one I work at slowly breakdown in front of my eyes, until it had ceased to function. And thats exactly what it is; a love/hate relationship.
I hate them when they don't work (or more specifically don't work the way they're supposed to), like yesterday. I slap and kick, swear yell and plead with them when they don't work. When they wont upload this or wont send that. It irritates me to the point of violence and tears. Much like with my most recent laptop, whoms screen has given up the ghost after one too many tumbles off the bed at nightime. I've sat there and actually begged with this inanimate object to work, cried at it and stroked it.
Why?
Because there is love there too...
When my computer does work, it's my life. I am ashamed to admit this, but 'tis true. It contains nearly everything I hold dear; pictures and music namely. But also it fuels the interweb, which is my biggest downfall.
I have a small confession to make; my favourite part of the day is when I log into my facebookaccount in the evening.
Do you know why?
Because a lot of the time, theres a message waiting from someone I love, someone I hold dear. and if there isn't, it's not long before I'm talking to some of my regular facebook friends. I don't care about te games, or the like, or any selfies or anything, I care about my line of communication.
If I pop up, and someone doesn't message back though I'm ashamed to admit that I am usually despondant and waiting for the remainder of the evening.
But I really love facebook, because it is important to me. I love facebook because it allows me to communicate with the people I love where I couldn't really any other way. I cant do telephone calls, because theres something awkward about them that doesn't agree with me. I cant do texts, because usually my Mobile-telecomunications-device is usally lost, flat or out opf credit. And I cant send letters because I don't have most of my friends e-mail's, and it would be slightly awkward to ask in some cases. So i'm left with facebook.
But recently, due to the loss of my laptop, I have been unable to use face-ache. And I realise now just how much I missed it. How lost, lonely and isolated I feel sat in my room without it. And I feel even more pathetic admitting that as well. But I missed it A LOT! More than I should have. But thats me; thats me all over. I feel like i've nothing to do without it - it's a very strange sensation.
And theres another problem. These last few nights, i've lain awake staring at the ceiling, willing sleep to take me, in silence. I cant listen to my bedtime song, I cant listen to anything. Because youtube isn't there. I miss youtube terribly. The comfort it bought, with my premade playlists for any mood, emotion or occasion. A part of me, a part of my routine is missing, and it prevents me from functioning completely.
I do wish I wasn't so dependent on computers, but of course I am; I'm one of my generation after all...
I was thinking about my love/hate relationship with computers yesterday, as I watched the one I work at slowly breakdown in front of my eyes, until it had ceased to function. And thats exactly what it is; a love/hate relationship.
I hate them when they don't work (or more specifically don't work the way they're supposed to), like yesterday. I slap and kick, swear yell and plead with them when they don't work. When they wont upload this or wont send that. It irritates me to the point of violence and tears. Much like with my most recent laptop, whoms screen has given up the ghost after one too many tumbles off the bed at nightime. I've sat there and actually begged with this inanimate object to work, cried at it and stroked it.
Why?
Because there is love there too...
When my computer does work, it's my life. I am ashamed to admit this, but 'tis true. It contains nearly everything I hold dear; pictures and music namely. But also it fuels the interweb, which is my biggest downfall.
I have a small confession to make; my favourite part of the day is when I log into my facebookaccount in the evening.
Do you know why?
Because a lot of the time, theres a message waiting from someone I love, someone I hold dear. and if there isn't, it's not long before I'm talking to some of my regular facebook friends. I don't care about te games, or the like, or any selfies or anything, I care about my line of communication.
If I pop up, and someone doesn't message back though I'm ashamed to admit that I am usually despondant and waiting for the remainder of the evening.
But I really love facebook, because it is important to me. I love facebook because it allows me to communicate with the people I love where I couldn't really any other way. I cant do telephone calls, because theres something awkward about them that doesn't agree with me. I cant do texts, because usually my Mobile-telecomunications-device is usally lost, flat or out opf credit. And I cant send letters because I don't have most of my friends e-mail's, and it would be slightly awkward to ask in some cases. So i'm left with facebook.
But recently, due to the loss of my laptop, I have been unable to use face-ache. And I realise now just how much I missed it. How lost, lonely and isolated I feel sat in my room without it. And I feel even more pathetic admitting that as well. But I missed it A LOT! More than I should have. But thats me; thats me all over. I feel like i've nothing to do without it - it's a very strange sensation.
And theres another problem. These last few nights, i've lain awake staring at the ceiling, willing sleep to take me, in silence. I cant listen to my bedtime song, I cant listen to anything. Because youtube isn't there. I miss youtube terribly. The comfort it bought, with my premade playlists for any mood, emotion or occasion. A part of me, a part of my routine is missing, and it prevents me from functioning completely.
I do wish I wasn't so dependent on computers, but of course I am; I'm one of my generation after all...
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Music was my first love, it'll always be my last....
That (the title) was one of my all time favourite lines from a song when I was little. It was a techno song, one I wish I could remember the title of, and I have decided now is the time to make a confession...
I like techno music. I like Trance. I like 90's and 80's dance. I like house music. I like things like Cascada and Basshunter. I also like electronic music, rap, rock, heavy metal, classic rock, punk rock, and all that stuff. I hate music snobbery, and I hate feeling like I have to hide this from my friends just because they like certain genres. So there it is, it's out there now.
I realise that people may accuse me of many things, the same way they might accuse me of being a fake gamer girl, or a fake comic nerd, or a fake whovian. People do call me these things, and I just want to get something straight. (mini internal rant if you like).
Just because I like conflicting aspects of something, doesn't make me "fake" it means enjoy variety, like many other people. It's like, Nirvana, who I adore, were really trying hard to fight against the classic rock vibe that came before them. But I really love all that classic rock as well. Just because it contradicts with Nirvana's goal, doesn't mean I don't love them. It means I enjoy the many faucets of music. Done.
So anyway, I love music. Music to me, is the life force. It's the thing that keeps me going through anything. Even when there's no one to talk to, even when theres nothing to cling onto, theres always music for me. It can cheer me up, it can make me get up and wipe the dust from my eyes. It can make me understand situations, and, quite importantly, it can help me understand people.
From what people listen to, what they share, what they quote, what they play and enjoy, I can attempt to understand what they are going through. I can understand their viewpoint. I can understand why they're my friend. I can tell if i want them as a friend. It's like a language to me, a secret code, that I am almost fluent in.
Music has always been my first love I suppose.
My daddy, he adored music. He absolutely loved it, and I don't believe he ever had any technical ability in it at all. He told me a story a lot when I was little. He used to say, that when they bought me home from the hospital, he put on a brand new record he had just bought, and as it filled room, I opened my eyes, and I looked at him. I guess, that must have been the moment I fell for music, because, from that point onwards, the only thing that could make me sleep as a kid, was music. Thus, it was played near constantly in my house.
The genres I remember most were soul, blues, techno, trance and 50's rock 'n' roll. I remember dancing around the front room with my dad. I remember him cranking up the volume full blast to irritate the upstairs neighbours. I remember loving everything he played to me, and everyone else thinking I was weird because I didn't know any modern songs. I remember taking long drives in the car with my uncle, and him blaring Cascada and classic club anthems. I remember the feel of the bass shaking through my bones, right through all my insides. That's still my favourite sensation - that deep reaching bass.
When I moved away from him, I used the music he loved, to breach the gap that had been left in me by his absence. It helped to listen to it whenever I found myself crying because I missed him. And it still does.
I wish I could remember the song that I opened my eyes to, or any of the trance and techno songs he used to listen to. I've searched my memory time and time again, and come up empty handed. That's why you'll always see me buying any trance/techno/club anthems that I can find, in hope of finding something that triggers a memory.
But also, when moved away, I was exposed to whole new factions of music, that my dad had never liked, and so I didn't listen to. I found pop (which I didn't really care for). I found classic rock, punk rock, rap, blues, 80's electronica, folk and all sorts of other things, and I really loved. I found Nirvana and Foo's, which are some of my favourite discoveries. And the older grow, the more amazing, inspiring bands I found, like BVB or MsMr or Mumford and Sons. I listen to so many things that my dad would hate, but I don't mind that, because I have developed and grown, and I love variety.
Music is still very powerful to me. Theres something I get occasionally, when I hear a new song. It's the oddest sensation. For instance, I was introduced, by a friend, to a band called Bellowhead. They're a folk band, and I never really liked much folk, but I gave them a go. I listened to a few of their songs, and I like it, to my surprise, but it didn't have the wow factor. And then, my friend sent me a link to "Roll the woodpile down"...
I was sort of wondering around my room at the time, with my headphones on, and I reached down, clicked the link, and went back to what I was doing. It took a few moments to load, and then the intro started. I stopped dead, and I listened to it. I turned around and looked at the screen, and then the singing started. I sunk to my knees in front of the laptop. And then, the next second, I had the biggest grin on my face. I loved it, I loved it so much I began to giggle. I listened to it over and over, possibly 13 times in that one night. And then again the next day. The song just filled me with pure joy whenever I heard it. When I couldn't listen to it, I sang it to myself. It's a sensation I get every now and again. I got it with "When the world stops spinning" by Throw The Fight. I got it with "In the end" by BVB. I felt it again very recently, when listening to a song by a friend of mine. That time it reduced me heaving sobs of joy. It's just, the most amazing, liberating sensation, even if only for a short while. It's like falling in love every time, but fresh. I've only ever had 2 people replicate the sensation with emotion. It just goes to show how important music is.
Musical lyrics mean so much to me. I quote them a lot, because they seem to explain things best for me. I can find a song for anything I need to say usually, for any situation, for any person. I live by some lyrics. I make judgements on some lyrics.
And so, get me in a room, with one of those sensational songs, with the bass thumping through me, and you could ask me any question, I'd answer truthfully. You could ask me to do anything, and I probably would. I only have two main weaknesses - One is Music.
And music really is my weakness. Because I cant do anything technical. Everyone in my family and most of my friends, can do something musical, and on a basic technical level, I don't really think I can. I can sing, I'm working on that, and it'll probably help.
It's also a part of my perception of love. I am drawn to men who are incredibly talented, especially musically. I am drawn to men who are passionate about what they do. And I don't understand it really, but I guess it's one of the main things I look for in a guy. It's just ingrained into me that deep.
I like techno music. I like Trance. I like 90's and 80's dance. I like house music. I like things like Cascada and Basshunter. I also like electronic music, rap, rock, heavy metal, classic rock, punk rock, and all that stuff. I hate music snobbery, and I hate feeling like I have to hide this from my friends just because they like certain genres. So there it is, it's out there now.
I realise that people may accuse me of many things, the same way they might accuse me of being a fake gamer girl, or a fake comic nerd, or a fake whovian. People do call me these things, and I just want to get something straight. (mini internal rant if you like).
Just because I like conflicting aspects of something, doesn't make me "fake" it means enjoy variety, like many other people. It's like, Nirvana, who I adore, were really trying hard to fight against the classic rock vibe that came before them. But I really love all that classic rock as well. Just because it contradicts with Nirvana's goal, doesn't mean I don't love them. It means I enjoy the many faucets of music. Done.
So anyway, I love music. Music to me, is the life force. It's the thing that keeps me going through anything. Even when there's no one to talk to, even when theres nothing to cling onto, theres always music for me. It can cheer me up, it can make me get up and wipe the dust from my eyes. It can make me understand situations, and, quite importantly, it can help me understand people.
From what people listen to, what they share, what they quote, what they play and enjoy, I can attempt to understand what they are going through. I can understand their viewpoint. I can understand why they're my friend. I can tell if i want them as a friend. It's like a language to me, a secret code, that I am almost fluent in.
Music has always been my first love I suppose.
My daddy, he adored music. He absolutely loved it, and I don't believe he ever had any technical ability in it at all. He told me a story a lot when I was little. He used to say, that when they bought me home from the hospital, he put on a brand new record he had just bought, and as it filled room, I opened my eyes, and I looked at him. I guess, that must have been the moment I fell for music, because, from that point onwards, the only thing that could make me sleep as a kid, was music. Thus, it was played near constantly in my house.
The genres I remember most were soul, blues, techno, trance and 50's rock 'n' roll. I remember dancing around the front room with my dad. I remember him cranking up the volume full blast to irritate the upstairs neighbours. I remember loving everything he played to me, and everyone else thinking I was weird because I didn't know any modern songs. I remember taking long drives in the car with my uncle, and him blaring Cascada and classic club anthems. I remember the feel of the bass shaking through my bones, right through all my insides. That's still my favourite sensation - that deep reaching bass.
When I moved away from him, I used the music he loved, to breach the gap that had been left in me by his absence. It helped to listen to it whenever I found myself crying because I missed him. And it still does.
I wish I could remember the song that I opened my eyes to, or any of the trance and techno songs he used to listen to. I've searched my memory time and time again, and come up empty handed. That's why you'll always see me buying any trance/techno/club anthems that I can find, in hope of finding something that triggers a memory.
But also, when moved away, I was exposed to whole new factions of music, that my dad had never liked, and so I didn't listen to. I found pop (which I didn't really care for). I found classic rock, punk rock, rap, blues, 80's electronica, folk and all sorts of other things, and I really loved. I found Nirvana and Foo's, which are some of my favourite discoveries. And the older grow, the more amazing, inspiring bands I found, like BVB or MsMr or Mumford and Sons. I listen to so many things that my dad would hate, but I don't mind that, because I have developed and grown, and I love variety.
Music is still very powerful to me. Theres something I get occasionally, when I hear a new song. It's the oddest sensation. For instance, I was introduced, by a friend, to a band called Bellowhead. They're a folk band, and I never really liked much folk, but I gave them a go. I listened to a few of their songs, and I like it, to my surprise, but it didn't have the wow factor. And then, my friend sent me a link to "Roll the woodpile down"...
I was sort of wondering around my room at the time, with my headphones on, and I reached down, clicked the link, and went back to what I was doing. It took a few moments to load, and then the intro started. I stopped dead, and I listened to it. I turned around and looked at the screen, and then the singing started. I sunk to my knees in front of the laptop. And then, the next second, I had the biggest grin on my face. I loved it, I loved it so much I began to giggle. I listened to it over and over, possibly 13 times in that one night. And then again the next day. The song just filled me with pure joy whenever I heard it. When I couldn't listen to it, I sang it to myself. It's a sensation I get every now and again. I got it with "When the world stops spinning" by Throw The Fight. I got it with "In the end" by BVB. I felt it again very recently, when listening to a song by a friend of mine. That time it reduced me heaving sobs of joy. It's just, the most amazing, liberating sensation, even if only for a short while. It's like falling in love every time, but fresh. I've only ever had 2 people replicate the sensation with emotion. It just goes to show how important music is.
Musical lyrics mean so much to me. I quote them a lot, because they seem to explain things best for me. I can find a song for anything I need to say usually, for any situation, for any person. I live by some lyrics. I make judgements on some lyrics.
And so, get me in a room, with one of those sensational songs, with the bass thumping through me, and you could ask me any question, I'd answer truthfully. You could ask me to do anything, and I probably would. I only have two main weaknesses - One is Music.
And music really is my weakness. Because I cant do anything technical. Everyone in my family and most of my friends, can do something musical, and on a basic technical level, I don't really think I can. I can sing, I'm working on that, and it'll probably help.
It's also a part of my perception of love. I am drawn to men who are incredibly talented, especially musically. I am drawn to men who are passionate about what they do. And I don't understand it really, but I guess it's one of the main things I look for in a guy. It's just ingrained into me that deep.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Sing with me... sing for the year...
Singing is a rather important part of me. I don't think anyone really knows how much I love it, even if I've never been that amazing at it. But I'm trying to rectify that, I promise.
Singing is my go to reaction. Lyrics are my go to reaction.
Singing holds such a cathartic release from everything I feel. I sing in the shower, I sing whilst doing my makeup and getting dressed. I even sing when I walk along the streets or when I'm waiting in a queue in a shop.Sometimes I even sing quietly to myself when someone really boring is talking (honestly).
I sing when someone offends me, and I sing when someone makes me happy. I sing when someone says they love me, and I sing when someone says they hate me. I sing when I'm going to sleep at night, and Sing when I cry.
The only issue I've ever had, is that, I was never really sure if I was good at it.
When I was little, my dad used to play music in the house near constantly, and a mixed collection as well. I guess that's where I started to sing so much - I opened my eyes to music as a baby, and it was the only thing that could make me sleep soundly. I suppose it's a big part of me. and I guess my obsession with music comes from there. Anyway, when I was a kid, my favourite thing to do was join in with the choir, or singing based lessons in class. And if I couldn't do that, you'd find me wandering around the playground or playing field alone, singing to myself (I was an ickle bit of a loner).
Eventually though, I was removed from the choir, because the teacher discovered I had a small hearing impairment,and said that I couldn't hear the students around me well enough to harmonise.
That really hurt me, and knocked my confidence in my singing, way down.
When I moved to Dorset, my mum worked in a pub, and we lived in a caravan nearby. So of course, I spent a lot of time in the pub. There were two things I really loved in the pub - the first, was folk night.
Now, I'm not the folky kind, or never really have been, but I loved folk night, because I usually got up and sang one song, and if I didn't sing, I joined in singing with my step dad. Eventually though, I became worried that the only reason people applauded me was out of courtesy, or politeness, or at best, admiration of my bravery. Soon, someone in my family gently mentioned that I had some issues when singing, being that my pitch changed radically in the middle of a line. So that was another hit to my confidence, and I stopped after that.
The other thing I really loved in the pub was music night on Fridays. I always loved singing along with my favourite bands, and was credited and observed many times doing so, (usually because people didn't expect someone my age to be able to memorise all the lyrics to brown eyed girl). It was a way for me to express my singing, without getting up and embarrassing myself.
After a few years though, we left the pub behind, and I was left only with me singing to myself, and no confidence in it to find an outlet.
Recently however, I have decided to try and resolve my performance issues. My step dad has been teaching me to overcome the pitch issues, and after lots of going over stuff and practising, I think I have managed it. It's starting to sound good. All that needs to follow is confidence. That will be the key.
The only other issue of course, is figuring out what my voice suits.
Now I love all random kinds of music (that's whats up-and-coming in my next post) but, I cant do all of them. I was recently asked to audition for a rock band, and I'm struggling to find the right sound to fit into that category. Someone I know suggested that I had a very bluesy/jazzy type voice (I wanted to kill them.... I HATE JAZZ) - someone else suggested I do scat jazz, another person said old pop, and someone else suggested acoustic metal songs - I just don't know where to go, or how to go about finding where I fit. I love rock, it's one of my favourite genres, but either it doesn't fit, or I don't have the right environment/enough confidence to really put power in my singing. But hopefully, I can resolve all that eventually, because what I'd love right now, is the ability to go out into the public domain, and come back swinging (performance wise) and just be able to do what I love in an appropriate way...
Singing is my go to reaction. Lyrics are my go to reaction.
Singing holds such a cathartic release from everything I feel. I sing in the shower, I sing whilst doing my makeup and getting dressed. I even sing when I walk along the streets or when I'm waiting in a queue in a shop.Sometimes I even sing quietly to myself when someone really boring is talking (honestly).
I sing when someone offends me, and I sing when someone makes me happy. I sing when someone says they love me, and I sing when someone says they hate me. I sing when I'm going to sleep at night, and Sing when I cry.
The only issue I've ever had, is that, I was never really sure if I was good at it.
When I was little, my dad used to play music in the house near constantly, and a mixed collection as well. I guess that's where I started to sing so much - I opened my eyes to music as a baby, and it was the only thing that could make me sleep soundly. I suppose it's a big part of me. and I guess my obsession with music comes from there. Anyway, when I was a kid, my favourite thing to do was join in with the choir, or singing based lessons in class. And if I couldn't do that, you'd find me wandering around the playground or playing field alone, singing to myself (I was an ickle bit of a loner).
Eventually though, I was removed from the choir, because the teacher discovered I had a small hearing impairment,and said that I couldn't hear the students around me well enough to harmonise.
That really hurt me, and knocked my confidence in my singing, way down.
When I moved to Dorset, my mum worked in a pub, and we lived in a caravan nearby. So of course, I spent a lot of time in the pub. There were two things I really loved in the pub - the first, was folk night.
Now, I'm not the folky kind, or never really have been, but I loved folk night, because I usually got up and sang one song, and if I didn't sing, I joined in singing with my step dad. Eventually though, I became worried that the only reason people applauded me was out of courtesy, or politeness, or at best, admiration of my bravery. Soon, someone in my family gently mentioned that I had some issues when singing, being that my pitch changed radically in the middle of a line. So that was another hit to my confidence, and I stopped after that.
The other thing I really loved in the pub was music night on Fridays. I always loved singing along with my favourite bands, and was credited and observed many times doing so, (usually because people didn't expect someone my age to be able to memorise all the lyrics to brown eyed girl). It was a way for me to express my singing, without getting up and embarrassing myself.
After a few years though, we left the pub behind, and I was left only with me singing to myself, and no confidence in it to find an outlet.
Recently however, I have decided to try and resolve my performance issues. My step dad has been teaching me to overcome the pitch issues, and after lots of going over stuff and practising, I think I have managed it. It's starting to sound good. All that needs to follow is confidence. That will be the key.
The only other issue of course, is figuring out what my voice suits.
Now I love all random kinds of music (that's whats up-and-coming in my next post) but, I cant do all of them. I was recently asked to audition for a rock band, and I'm struggling to find the right sound to fit into that category. Someone I know suggested that I had a very bluesy/jazzy type voice (I wanted to kill them.... I HATE JAZZ) - someone else suggested I do scat jazz, another person said old pop, and someone else suggested acoustic metal songs - I just don't know where to go, or how to go about finding where I fit. I love rock, it's one of my favourite genres, but either it doesn't fit, or I don't have the right environment/enough confidence to really put power in my singing. But hopefully, I can resolve all that eventually, because what I'd love right now, is the ability to go out into the public domain, and come back swinging (performance wise) and just be able to do what I love in an appropriate way...
Friday, 8 November 2013
Phototgraph...
This week has been all about photographs, from one thing to the other. I adore photos - capturing a moment in time and cherishing/regretting it forever. They can capture the beauty of anything, if taken correctly. They can hold dear those precious moments, even after you had long forgotten about them. They mean a lot to me, and right behind the hard-drive my music is on, they'd be what I'd save from a burning building.
The week started with my new film camera. The idea makes people laugh a little, the idea of a "new" film camera. But the nostalgia, for me, outweighs the hindrance of the cameras under advanced technology.
My daddy used to have a film camera, although it never had any film in it. It made that old style, satisfactory click whenever you pressed the shutter or wound the film on, and i used to go around with it, taking imaginary pictures, pretending to be a journalist or high end photographer. It was one of my favourite toys.
So, of course, when a customer bought 2 film cameras into work for us to dispose of in some way, i was going to ask to have one. I was ecstatic. I rushed out and bought a new film reel, and my step dad loaded it for me, and promised to teach me how to take decent pictures with it. I was so excited. The other night, following the arrival of my sister, who has come to visit, and whilst the family were sat in the front room chatting away, I took candid shots of everyone in the low light, yellow from aged bulbs. I even took some shots of the dog, and a few of myself using the timer. It was pointed out to me afterwards that my "messing around" shots would probably mostly consist of black pictures, as the lighting was far too low to pick anything up. But I don't care. It's the fun of it I'm after. I finished the reel, placed it back in it's old film case, (which i remember my primary school using to store each students lunch money in) and marked it, leaving it on the mantelpiece. I haven't taken it to the developers yet. I don't have enough money to, but I'm itching to get them developed. The first ever proper film photographs I've taken.
As my sister has a touch of OCD, we had to make sure the house was relatively neat and tidy for her arrival. This meant throwing out many books, which even as someone who doesn't read an awful lot, that hurt. But none the less, it also meant that my mother found lots and lots of old photographs, so whilst i spent the night slaving away tidying my room (which my sister wasn't going to see anyway), my mother spent her evening, unbeknownst to me, organising photo's of the family. I found these afterwards, and started flicking through.I've said I love photo's because they hold memories, and this was particularly true for these. I found baby photos, pictures from when i used to visit my mother in Dorset, and then, someone stumbled upon one I hadn't seen when I was looking through. A photo I remembered from years ago.
The picture is of baby me, sat on my fathers lap, and he's smiling down at me. My father looks so young and happy. I look so fat and happy. It nearly reduced me to tears, but I didn't want to cry in front of my mum. And so, I look at this picture, which holds the happiest memories I have of a man who's caused me so much pain. And that's why I adore photos; because for just one moment, every time I look at that picture, I can imagine that nothing bad ever happened, and I'm right back there.... and then it's gone again, replaced by harsh reality. That's one of the downsides to photos.The sensation doesn't last long.
The other reason I love photo's of me as a kid, is because I can look at 11/12 year old me, and see the prettiness that was there... the lovely smooth pale skin, and the gorgeous long hair - I've ruined quite a lot about how I look, and in the end, I can never really justify why, because I don't really know. Sometimes, it was just because I had the freedom to, other times, I was trying to be something I wasn't for someone else - there's all sorts of reasons, none of them really good. But I'd kill to be that kid again, the one who has no issue standing up in front of a room full of people and singing, the one who can roll out of bed, throw any old thing, tug a brush through their hair and go out. I'd adore to have that sense of self-worth and confidence again, but with every unfortunate/bad experience I've had, every bullying remark and every snide snipe at my image I've had, that's just evaporated bit by bit. And there comes my next problem with photo's.
People, in the past and present, have remarked that I'm pretty. And although i don't see it in myself, I'm happy that they do. But I struggle with photo's of myself now. I find I love people taking pictures of me, but I hate looking at them; Pictures have to be posed and well made, otherwise I cringe. I usually cringe inwardly when I see any modern picture of myself, but I deal with it, in my own special way. I don't know why I struggle so much, I just wish I could look at myself and think "you know what, you look okay" but it never comes. People have suggested I do modelling, and the only time I ever took it seriously, someone laughed in my face, so that went straight out the window. Photo's of me, throw everything I hate about me, right back at me. I hate that fact about photo's.
But then, I love photographing other people, holding their individual beauty in time forever. Holding the great times I've had with them in time forever. It's something I really enjoy. I just wish I was better at it, and that's what I'm hoping to learn. And the desire to learn, and this whole monologue, started with the nostalgic memory, of that little Pentax film camera.
So fingers crossed.....
The week started with my new film camera. The idea makes people laugh a little, the idea of a "new" film camera. But the nostalgia, for me, outweighs the hindrance of the cameras under advanced technology.
My daddy used to have a film camera, although it never had any film in it. It made that old style, satisfactory click whenever you pressed the shutter or wound the film on, and i used to go around with it, taking imaginary pictures, pretending to be a journalist or high end photographer. It was one of my favourite toys.
So, of course, when a customer bought 2 film cameras into work for us to dispose of in some way, i was going to ask to have one. I was ecstatic. I rushed out and bought a new film reel, and my step dad loaded it for me, and promised to teach me how to take decent pictures with it. I was so excited. The other night, following the arrival of my sister, who has come to visit, and whilst the family were sat in the front room chatting away, I took candid shots of everyone in the low light, yellow from aged bulbs. I even took some shots of the dog, and a few of myself using the timer. It was pointed out to me afterwards that my "messing around" shots would probably mostly consist of black pictures, as the lighting was far too low to pick anything up. But I don't care. It's the fun of it I'm after. I finished the reel, placed it back in it's old film case, (which i remember my primary school using to store each students lunch money in) and marked it, leaving it on the mantelpiece. I haven't taken it to the developers yet. I don't have enough money to, but I'm itching to get them developed. The first ever proper film photographs I've taken.
As my sister has a touch of OCD, we had to make sure the house was relatively neat and tidy for her arrival. This meant throwing out many books, which even as someone who doesn't read an awful lot, that hurt. But none the less, it also meant that my mother found lots and lots of old photographs, so whilst i spent the night slaving away tidying my room (which my sister wasn't going to see anyway), my mother spent her evening, unbeknownst to me, organising photo's of the family. I found these afterwards, and started flicking through.I've said I love photo's because they hold memories, and this was particularly true for these. I found baby photos, pictures from when i used to visit my mother in Dorset, and then, someone stumbled upon one I hadn't seen when I was looking through. A photo I remembered from years ago.
The picture is of baby me, sat on my fathers lap, and he's smiling down at me. My father looks so young and happy. I look so fat and happy. It nearly reduced me to tears, but I didn't want to cry in front of my mum. And so, I look at this picture, which holds the happiest memories I have of a man who's caused me so much pain. And that's why I adore photos; because for just one moment, every time I look at that picture, I can imagine that nothing bad ever happened, and I'm right back there.... and then it's gone again, replaced by harsh reality. That's one of the downsides to photos.The sensation doesn't last long.
The other reason I love photo's of me as a kid, is because I can look at 11/12 year old me, and see the prettiness that was there... the lovely smooth pale skin, and the gorgeous long hair - I've ruined quite a lot about how I look, and in the end, I can never really justify why, because I don't really know. Sometimes, it was just because I had the freedom to, other times, I was trying to be something I wasn't for someone else - there's all sorts of reasons, none of them really good. But I'd kill to be that kid again, the one who has no issue standing up in front of a room full of people and singing, the one who can roll out of bed, throw any old thing, tug a brush through their hair and go out. I'd adore to have that sense of self-worth and confidence again, but with every unfortunate/bad experience I've had, every bullying remark and every snide snipe at my image I've had, that's just evaporated bit by bit. And there comes my next problem with photo's.
People, in the past and present, have remarked that I'm pretty. And although i don't see it in myself, I'm happy that they do. But I struggle with photo's of myself now. I find I love people taking pictures of me, but I hate looking at them; Pictures have to be posed and well made, otherwise I cringe. I usually cringe inwardly when I see any modern picture of myself, but I deal with it, in my own special way. I don't know why I struggle so much, I just wish I could look at myself and think "you know what, you look okay" but it never comes. People have suggested I do modelling, and the only time I ever took it seriously, someone laughed in my face, so that went straight out the window. Photo's of me, throw everything I hate about me, right back at me. I hate that fact about photo's.
But then, I love photographing other people, holding their individual beauty in time forever. Holding the great times I've had with them in time forever. It's something I really enjoy. I just wish I was better at it, and that's what I'm hoping to learn. And the desire to learn, and this whole monologue, started with the nostalgic memory, of that little Pentax film camera.
So fingers crossed.....
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