Dancing.
It's not something I consider myself very good at. Not ever. But it has surrounded me always, in one way or another.
I never remember dancing much. Occasionally I would, as I was part of a performance group for the purpose of gymnastics practise, and maybe dancing around the living room with my dad from time to time. It's not something I was really interested.
Which I find... odd. Because I adore music, it fills every aspect of me, so I personally would assume I'd love to dance a lot, which I sort of do, maybe; the whole thing is clouded with uncertainty.
Anyway- I remember my fathers dancing; the usual embarrassing and uncoordinated dad dancing that seems to flow from most fathers across the world, and humiliates numerous children. I considered ultimately ridiculous, but occasionally, I work some into my routines.
When I moved to Dorset, I remember my mother, dancing every Friday to the live music put on at the pub where we lived and worked. She loved it. She still does, and she expressed herself so freely, so easily, without reservation, without seeming to care what others thought. I loved that, and I loved watching her. I loved to watch people dance in general.
On occasion, to good music, with the right band, and right, correctly intoxified crowd, 12-14 year old me could be pulled up to dance, with much coaxing. I danced with my mother, or older friends. I would dread it most the evening, but i would enjoy it fiercely when I did get up, and then be embarrassed and regret the event afterwards.
In some respects, I suppose it's the idea of people watching and judging me, the idea of people paying attentionn to my actions whatsoever, the deep sated fear, that my dancing isn't "right" or "appropriate". I still worry about it to this day. I suspect it's these fears that would hold me back. I'm not certain.
Recently however, I've sort of... stopped caring.
The revelation was the result of a festival - a beer festival, which I attended this summer. In the presence of some of my friends - old and young - I realised they wanted to dance, but seemed to embarrassed in this new environment. I'd grown up in this pub, so I was comfortable here, so I decided to make a fool of myself, in order to allow them to feel less silly.
And I loved it!
It was strange - I had the best time, the most amazing time. I danced all night, until my muscles ached and I was completely soaked, but it was freaking amazing. I just let go, released my inhibitions, and it worked.
A few months down the line, my family and I return to the same pub, to see a band that we all loved and listened to regularly. I loved their music, and I have a small confession to make.
I do dance alone, in my room, in front of my mirror. I have been caught, with my headphones in, oblivious to the person who's been knocking at the door for a while and has decided to peek in in case I'm dead, and it embarrasses me very much. But the music I like to dance to most, is the music of the band we went to see - so I was used to being able to dance around to it, it would have been weird to just sit there and listen.
So, as unusual as it was, right from the beginning of the night, I was up and dancing with my mum. I was pulling her up to dance, asking her to dance. For years, my mum had been trying to make me dance, telling me not to worry, and here I was dragging her up. I was the last one left dancing as well, my mother long since sat down to rest. I used to have to hold her hand throughout the dance, at all times, and here I was, doing it all on my own! I was so happy, and so proud of myself. And I turned to look at my mother.
She was watching me as I danced, twirling, whirling and jumping. And she was grinning, watching intently. For a horrible moment, I thought I was doing something wrong, and then she raised her glass, and toasted me, and I swelled with joy.
I had out danced my mother, I had danced much longer, and I had gotten her look of pride. This may not seem huge to you, but it was massive to me.
And now, I love to dance. I really adore dancing where I can. I still have reservations though. I can dance among an audience of predominantly older people, after years of practise. I cant in front of a group of people my own age, there's too much judgement at risk there. People my own age scare the hell out of me.
But dancing is a cathartic form of expression. A chance to express things you cant otherwise, to physically let out stored energy.
I recommend it highly; however, there are people who are not naturally dancers, I have two suggestions that may help...
1) Dance in front of your mirror, for several years, alone, until you're fairly confident that your performance is fit for public consumption.... or
2) just fucking let go! try to stop caring about what those around you think, because those that give a damn, don't matter, and those that matter, don't give a damn!
P.S. If ever there is any questions that you want me to answer, or any subjects you want me to talk about, please feel free to comment, e-mail or message them to me in whatever way you like.
Thanks :)
No comments:
Post a Comment