Sometimes I stop and look at the world around me (usually
when prompted) and think about what I want out of life. The answer is simple
really, although not always simple to attain.
Love.
Oh tis love, tis love that makes the world goes round. Or
sometimes just fucks it all up completely.
Love has always meant a lot to me. It is the only thing I
really aim for. While others may spend their time dreaming of vast, famous, successful
careers, or trips around the world to see the millions of beautiful things
there are, I dream only of surrounding myself with things and people that I
love. To me, that is my sole purpose for
existing (as well as being too awesome for words, obviously!).
So, I suppose, the answer to their question is, in the long
term, that involves creating a home, and a family with the man I love and
children I care for, and in turn, grandchildren I cherish as well. This is what’s
important in my world, what makes my world turn. And it’s odd, because whenever I say this to
my family and friends, my employers, or even my boyfriends, they all instantly
assume I mean tomorrow! They always say things like,
“Don’t you want to live a bit first? See the world and enjoy
yourself before everything else ruins you?”… Or words to that effect. Well,
yes, I want to have my own life – I want to go out and get drunk and do stupid
things and have fun just like everyone else…. I don’t want a heavily committed relationship
tomorrow and kids within the next year. When I say things like that , I’m
thinking in about 5 or 10 years’ time. Calm down!
So yeah, I want a family. But it extends beyond that – it extends
to my friends as well, of whom I have so few that most I class as family
anyway. These people, whom although they are not connected to me by blood, have
become connected to me with love, sometimes even stronger than the “necessary”
bonds that are formed of blood ties (however gay that may sound of course).
I once – and on occasion still do, when my mind allows me
respite from my nightmares – had dreams about my “family” and I (my partner,
our friends and our children) all sat around in my kitchen, laughing and
talking, reminiscing, while I make batch after batch of pancakes. That’s my
perfect day, somewhere far off in the future, but people always assume I want
it now.
But I am young, careless and free (as I am frequently
reminded) , and so, they ask what I expect of my life now, from my immediate
future. Now what I want and what I expect are two very different worlds (we won’t
go into what I expect to happen). Now the answer is fundamentally the same, it
just takes different forms and leaks onto different planes.
Now, to what people somehow… expect me to want or think I
want…
I worry a lot, about my life, about the lives of people
around me, and of those whom I love. Now, when I vent these worries, I find the
reaction at once odd, embarrassing and hilarious. A large proportion of my
friends suggest that perhaps, in order to ease my worries, I should…..
How to put this poetically?...
Indulge in my needs for physical affection…
These are friends suggesting that I use non-committed
physical companions, in order to… vent some steam.
But then, the more I think about this, frankly strange,
idea, the more I begin to believe that I could never really do it that way… Because there is, in a sense, always going to
be an emotional connection between two people who… you know… and that’s how it should be. However much you try to deny
any arising feelings from that, there
will always be a connection. So I don’t think that would work at all… however well-intentioned
the suggestion is.
Moving swiftly away from that
subject of conversation, I begin again to think about what it is I want in the
present. Well, I want someone/something to love. Now, I have no passions
besides music, in which I possess no reputable talent. In addition, the whole “just
buy her a cute fluffy pet to give her attention to.” Really doesn’t work all
that well…. So that leaves you with people.
I give as much love as I can to my family (most of the time)
and my extended family (which consists of my closest friends). Obviously, they
are a huge part of my life, and I would more than likely cease to function
without their presence. Unfortunately, however much love you throw at these
people, there will still remain a part of you that is not quite sated. So the next option is to find yourself a
partner.
Now, as my friends and family, and everyone who has read my
other blogs, will now that in this venture, my efforts remain fruitless. But my family and I have figured out the
precise
cause of this.
I’m crazy.
Well, not crazy, but perhaps, a tad obsessive – like a lot of
women really, in my defence. Now, this never really occurred to me before
because, when I’m in a relationship, I have what I want, so this part of me
doesn’t show through, and when I’m not, I’m so busy denying the very idea that
I’m acting a little odd, that I don’t notice myself being a little odd. But
hey, everyone’s got their quirks .
But it’s okay, I’m working on it.
But all I really want, in all honesty, is to give my
attention to someone. To spend evenings curled up on the sofa, watching sci-fi
or fantasy, Supernatural, or Dr Who, or Breaking Bad (whatever you want
really). To introduce to my parents and cook odd meals for (sometimes even
successful ones!). To laugh at me when I do stupid things, and to comfort me
when I mess up. In essence, I want someone I can be the real me with, and whom
enjoys being with the real me – just like everyone wants really. Someone who
loves you for you. If not, then I’m certain you should.
But like I said, finding it difficult to find someone who
fits that description.
So what’s left when you haven’t quite found that yet? You’re
left with yourself…
But, as many of you may understand, loving yourself is
tricky. I think a lot of people find it hard because we all, including me,
believe we see the “true” and most complete version of ourselves, when that
simply isn’t the case. For example, most of us get up in the morning, and look
at ourselves in the mirror, and we immediately pick at what we look like, or
even the decisions we make or the way we act. We question all these
things. I’m always using the argument “only
I see the real me!” but that just isn’t true, I’ve come to realise. I’ve
noticed, you predominately notice the bad parts about yourself. You may add a
few positives to try and escape that negative part of your being, but you
mainly pick on yourself. So you slap on
the “façade” – the face that you want everyone to see and the act that you use every
day – and you leave the house, still not loving you, and still not seeing the
real you either.
Other people do though, despite what you may believe. They
see your acts of kindness, your sense of humour, the way you smile, or laugh,
or look at certain people or talk about certain things. When you look at
yourself in the mirror, your face lacks the animation that the ordinary and
extraordinary events and happenings of everyday life and the people around
bring to it, and so you can never see the real you. Very few people ever will.
Which is why it’s so difficult to love yourself – you can’t
see yourself. And I think that’s why so many people in the world are
co-dependent on the people they love, like their families or their partners –
because they need some input f love to support the output they give. Which puts
you right back to square one I suppose….
I guess the message is attempt to love yourself, and fill
the world and people around you with love and happiness at every opportunity….
And also, stop asking me what I want, or what I want out of
life, or where I see myself in a years’ time, because I haven’t got a fucking
clue.
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